Thursday, August 11, 2011

Churns Dream

NOTE:  My attempt at a Ghazal for dversePoets

Love sings through trees from river breeze, eyes closed my mind churns dream
Though limbs have knots and leaves with spots, eyes closed my mind churns dream

Deformed at birth the scourge of earth, worn cloth does hide her face
But in self’s shrine her skin does shine, eyes closed my mind churns dream

The virgin maid grows old like dates, shadows become her home
But ocean waves revive her state; eyes closed my mind churns dream

A jilted bride, alone does cry, on altars strewn with dung
But choirs sing erasing sting, eyes closed my mind churns dream

Her bed is cold, no man to hold, gray wolves circle her yard
But candles warm caress her arm; eyes closed my mind churns dream

Poet Henry’s blind heart does see, and prays for world peace
She’s not ugly, new heart’s beauty; eyes closed my mind churns dream


Beachanny said...

Quite beautiful - evocative and a calling to see deeper than external beauty. It might be somewhat difficult for some as you have posted a picture of Aishwarya Rai whom I consider to be the most beautiful woman in the world today - externally, of course, but she seems quite lovely within too.

I'll let John speak to the form, but for me this is a beautiful Ghazal. Thanks for writing and linking Henry (Kid is much too informal I think). I liked it a lot! Gay

Henry Clemmons said...

Thank you, Gay, for the kind words. I did use Aishwarya's image on purpose. I always enjoy your comments.

Scarlet said...

This is a sad and haunting piece to me.

Like your ending verse with your name.. and nice work with your refraining words (I didn't know this can be done):

"eyes closed my mind churns dream"

Thank you for your kind words in my blog~

Brian Miller said...

henry this is a lovely piece...from what i know of the form you seem to have nailed it...nice textures in here and def a level of sadness to me as well...

Seasideauthor said...

I like how you got your name in there true to form. 'gray wolves circle her yard'and'new heart's beauty' smooth singing throughout. Thank You for your read.

Kavita said...

The picture of Ash seems kinda perfect for the sad but beautiful poem you've written.. her beauty is amplified by your poem, really... and yet, if one is to look beyond her external appearances, one might almost expect to find everything that you've said here...

Your method of expression was really very moving, Henry... very nice!

Claudia said...

love the flow henry.. a beautiful piece - esp. like the virgin maid grows old like dates and a very well chosen refrain

kaykuala said...

Inner beauty and no disputing external beauty present but still a beauty holding back. Beautifully done!

Anonymous said...

Based on reading John's critiques (including on my attempt at Ghazal), it appears to me that you've handled the form very well. Thematically, I sense that the author yearns to touch that inner beauty which is so elusive in a world obsessed with the external. Beautiful poem!


Tashtoo said... do have a way with words! Beautiful, haunting refrain carries your superb language. From what I have learned through this workshop, I THINK this is one of the best examples of the form to be offered, but whether it is or not...I LOVE it!

hedgewitch said...

You really drew and hit center with every arrow from your quiver of image, your feel for nature and layers and what's behind the first veil, the second veil...I loved the way the words tumbled over themselves, full of life and association. Good stuff, poet Henry.

John (@bookdreamer) said...

Hi, my feedback is based on these five factors starting from a traditional perspective but also looking at modern developments. I draw on Agha Shahid Ali's, chapter from An Exaltation of forms (Ed Finch and Varnes). This is a poem of his based on the traditional rules.

1) Association
One of the key factors of the form - traditional or modern is that the couplets need to be based as it were on variations on a theme. And stand alone as the order should not matter. Mixing them works as each is almost a story in itself.

2) Theme
This is clearly about loss and a yearning/plea for something better so falls well within the Ghazal range even if not a classical theme.

3) Couplets
You have done a fair number of a good length and no enjambment. Some enjambment occurs in the modern forms but as the exception in the poem rather than the norm. You have cleverly fitted the narrator/writer in the last couplet,

4) Rhyme and refrain
In the classical tradition, the opening couplet would set the refrain and internal rhyme in the first and second line. Then in the rest of the couplets the refrain and internal rhyme would be on the second line. The refrain is as the classical tradition. But you have used two internal rhymes that spot across the two lines to good effect.

5) Metre
I think you have gone for a regular metre as I noticed regular 14 beat line - 7 feet: iambic heptameter? The question and answer couplets and the concrete imagery made for an evocative and moving set of images.

In short, it has all the classical Ghazal features with modern twists that made it a very enjoyable read.

Victoria said...

Henry, to me this is the most poignant and well-executed Ghazal. I was glad to see the internal rhymes and how you managed to create a blend of beauty, sadness and longing. Just exquisite. If I were awarding prizes...

Kerry O'Connor said...

I loved each couplet, Henry. They were so unique but spoke of a deep regard for the feminine soul, in all its many facets.

Arron Shilling said...

Hey Henry,

Hitting your site is brilliant - your tree reminds me of a scence from a movie called Antichrist - great movie great pic -

Your Poem is fantastic - it firstly evoked some exotic smells and feelings of luxury and warmth then i hit some dung which was a real powerful wake up, as you had taken me to such an exoticly perfumed state - I loved that juxtaposistion.

The penultimate stanza stands out for me in amongst top write.



Anonymous said...

I too enjoyed the juxtapositions. I'm sorry I commented twice on your last piece. I've been having trouble with the internet all day.

Lady Nyo said...

Poignant, stirring, and haunting.

A lovely ghazal.


Lady Nyo

Maude Lynn said...

This is so delicate and lovely. Well done!

Anna @ waysidewordgarden said...

First, I've seen several movies with the actress and she is exceptionally beautiful.
Second-- your ghazal is beautiful and sad, and in it I sense the hope and desire to see the beauty within, a theme I love. Absolutely gorgeous, and a superb ghazal. I'd give you the prize, too!

Unknown said...

"mind churns dream" is great imagery I like to think of it like that seeing it in your words. Wonderful write ~ Rose

Anonymous said...

Very much like what you have made of your ghazal, Henry.. your refrain is outstanding and the oppositions work well within couplets as well as across the whole.. thoughtful, sad... harsh beauties..

Mary said...

I am impressed with your ghazal. I think I will pass on this particular prompt, but admire yours and others proficiency with the prompt,

Sheila said...

this is a wonderful ghazal! full of love and beauty and you used your name in the last couplet as well. I am so excited to read this. a pure joy it was to do so. Thanks, Henry.

I'm Just a Man (Recording Experiment ... I can't sing)

I am in the mood to change my tree to a cubic version.